2021 NFL Season Primer

The 2021 NFL season is less than a week from being upon me.  And I am so unprepared.

This is the worst week on the football calendar. So, I've been, effectively, cramming the last few weeks to get my information caught up with my enthusiasm. Let's do a breakdown of all 32 teams, what do you say? I'd say that, although I am a fan of the entire NFL as a drama and the Dolphins in particular, most teams don't interest me much. So this should be pretty quick!

Oh. And let's see how I can do with win/loss predictions.

Let's start in the NFC!

        NFC EAST

   I don't have a good feeling about a single one of these teams. This division was a dumpster fire last year, and I wouldn't be surprised if the team they send to the Playoffs this year is going to have a sub-.500 record. So, let's get into it. In no particular order:

Philadelphia Eagles (6 - 11)

    Phew. This team has a chance to be all-time bad, doesn't it? 

    At first glance, it seems like the head coach is in completely over his head, the Front Office don't even have his phone number, and no one in the organization wants the quarterbacks they have on the roster to step onto the field.

    But - if any of those quarterbacks can be serviceable, they can probably steal a few wins in the division and pull a few upsets outside the Conference. That's enough for 6 wins. 

    Does the owner pull some more tank stuff to end the season? Does he start earlier than the second half of the last game? That's what I'm really interested to see with this team.

Dallas Cowboys (6 - 11)

    I don't like the Cowboys. Let's just get that out of the way. So maybe I'm wish-casting, here, but I don't think this team is going to be any good. I have absolutely no faith in Mike McCarthy; Dak Prescott is Tony Romo 2.0 - Dallas is going to shorten his career and never give him a complete team to compete with. Do they have any professionals on the defense?

    I'm joking - I know about their bevy-of-linebackers situation. Honestly, I'm surprised Miami hasn't called about Jaylon Smith. As it is, I don't think this team is going to be stopping anyone. Not from scoring 25+ points a game.

New York Giants (3 - 14)

    Is Daniel Jones an NFL starting quarterback?

    It's not fair to point to his open-field tackle of himself from a couple years ago, but when I saw that - that was maybe the most disgraceful display of athleticism I'd ever seen. And since then all DJ has done is fumble the ball.

    I have exactly zero further interest in this team. The head coach stuff is played. He won't be there long enough for me to pay much attention. 

Washington Football Team (10 - 7)

    Ryan Fitzmagick. Is there anything else to say about this team?   

    Of course there is. That defense.

    I legitimately think that if Fitzpatrick can play at his highest level, and if the defense can bail him out when he isn't, this Washington team is looking at the same kind of 10-win season the Dolphins had last year. Hell, they might even see 10 or 12. This NFC sucks and egg.

        NFC South

    Another trash heap of a division.

    And then there's Tampa Bay.

New Orleans Saints (9 - 8)

    Oh, my. I'm predicting a winning season only because I can't predict .500.

    Sean Payton is a good enough coach, and neither of his quarterbacks is bad enough for them to fall completely apart. But....

Carolina Panthers  (8 - 9)

    This is basically the inverse of the Saints' situation. I think the NFC is so bad that Matt Rhule is a good enough coach to steal enough wins that the ownership don't panic.

    Is Sam Darnold an NFL quarterback?

    The Panthers are going to be boring. Which is a bummer. I also identify as a Carolina boy - I've been to that stadium, saw my first NFL game there. It would be cool if they were an NFC powerhouse again. If only because of the next two teams.

Atlanta Falcons (6 - 11)

    I just can't with the Falcons. 

    What is going on with their front office? Do they have a 53-man roster?   

    But, hey! Josh Rosen redemption story? Doubtful. I'm surprised he's still in the league at this point.

    I really hope that Kyle Pitts is everything I think he is.

Tom Brady and the Buccaneers (16-1)

    I wish I were joking about the team name.

    This feels like one of those Supergroups; like a rock band made with the who's-who of their generation. Or like a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers situation. You've got the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, an already formidable roster and coaching staff - and then you've got Tom Brady playing for what may as well be for free.

    Anyway, who can beat this team? For shits n gigs, I'm imagining their one loss coming to New England - Billy B's finger in the eye to his protégé.

    I hope their relationship is repaired someday.

        NFC West

    Perhaps my personal least favorite division of them all. These teams all get so much media attention - especially the Seahawks. They always play one another tough, and recently have all been fairly good teams.

    And then there's the Cardinals.

Seattle Seahawks (10 -7)

    I just do not like this team.

Los Angeles Rams (12 - 5)

    Another team I am just not interested in.

    As a Xavien Howard homer, I am just over Aaron Donald. I am so bored of hearing how great this defense is. If they're so great, why didn't they show up in the Playoffs?

    Hot take - Matthew Stafford isn't that good; he doesn't get them over the hump.

San Francisco 49ers (11 - 6)

    What in the world is going on with this team?

    Jimmy G is like the girlfriend you've shot sex vids with - you can't let her leave your life forever. I've never seen a coach so obviously infatuated with so many other quarterbacks still try to tell the one he's got he's his girl. It's crazy.

    Shanahan is too good not to win 11, I figure. Jimmy G doesn't finish the season. Trey Lance has a season not unlike Tua's 2020. 

    The question I have is whether the defense is going to be any good. I really don't know. I am interested to find out.

Arizona Cardinals (6 - 11)

    This team feels like a retirement community for wide receivers. What the hell is going on? Do they have anyone who isn't on Geritol catching passes? Poor Kyler Murray.

    Cliff Kingsbury doesn't survive the season.

        NFC North

    I could have left every team but the Packers blank and no one would disagree with my artistic choice.

 Minnesota Vikings (8 - 9)

    Sigh.

Green Bay Packers (16 - 1)

    What is there really to say about this team?

    I think Aaron Rodgers repeats. There's a lot of noise out there that Mahomes is going to have a freak year - like a 6000 yard, 60 TD type year. My gut says that Aaron Rodgers more than competes. I think he gives the kid a run for his money.

    You don't think that with his career in Green Bay hanging over his head he isn't going to turn out another season for the ages? If he was Zen last year to prove that he deserves respect, imagine how Zen he's going to be when he has a finger to shove in the whole football world's eye?

Be afraid, NFC. Be very afraid.

Oh, and the rest of the team is pretty good. They seem to have things together from a coaching standpoint. They're the Packers. They're going to have a Packers-type record. And in the Playoffs they're going to ____ the Championship game.

Detroit Lions (4 - 13)

    I feel like I'm being overly kind to the Lions and that I'm undermining any credibility I've earned through this piece by giving Dan Campbell any wins at all. I think those few that he managed to steal while the Interim Head Coach of the Dolphins were as many as he's ever going to get. And, let's be real, I wrote out all the names of these teams off the top of my head, and had to sit for literally five minutes going through the NFC to remember the Lions.

    Are they going to be forgettably bad this year? I doubt it. If Dan Campbell has anything to say about it, we will at least get to enjoy a WWE spectacle as the Detroit football team pollutes the field and the air of the stadium with their tire fire. 

Chicago Bears (2 - 15)

    I almost didn't save the Bears for last. But only because I couldn't remember the Lions, and I want to end on a storyline that actually does interest me. I'm an Ohio boy, as much as I would like to deny it. I lived in Columbus for five years, the last of which was Fields' last at OSU. So I'd like to watch him play, and root for him, as far as I can root for anyone out of OSU on principle. 

    I don't have a lot of opinions about the Bears.

    What is going on with their Front Office drafting quarterbacks the coaches don't want? They did it to John Fox with Trubisky, then tied Nagy to Trubisky in a tandem sky dive. Who knows how Nagy managed to survive the fall - the savagery one can imagine as he hacked and slashed all ties connecting him to Trubisky.... And here he is with another quarterback he doesn't want.

    Does Matt Nagy think that Andy Dalton is Alex Smith? Eesh.

    For what it's worth, I think that Fields will win two games. I don't think Nagy will be associated with the team by then, however.

Moving on to the AFC!

        AFC South

        Hoo, boy. This division is going to suck. Again.

        Except the Titans. How do I always forget they're in this division?

Indianapolis Colts (4 - 13)

        I feel genuinely bad for Frank Reich. You finally get a head coaching gig, and you get Phillip Rivers and Carson Wentz as your quarterbacks. Oof. Talk about a punch to the stomach.

Jacksonville Jaguars  (1 - 16)

    This feels mean, but....

    I have question marks about Trevor Lawrence. But I also have no horse in the race whether he's any good or not. I prefer not to root against dudes if I don't have to.

Tennessee Titans  (13 - 4)

    I have surprised myself with this prediction. I started to put 10 wins and thought no. Then 11 wins and thought no. I started to go as high as 15, but I don't think they're going to be that good. I do think they're going to flirt with the Super Bowl if they can get the defense to work right and can give Derrick Henry fewer than 4000 touches.

Houston Texans (1 - 15)

    Do they win a game? I mean, let's be real.

    And Deshawn Watson.   

    Ugh. I literally quit blogging or following football this summer because of his story, and it only gets worse every day. That guy wasn't good enough to get the Texans more than four wins. Why does Miami - or anyone else for that matter - think this guy is going to change their prospects? I don't get it. I do know that you will get to witness my very public divorce with the Dolphins if they trade for him at any point.

    This wasn't really fair to the Texans team.

    Neither is their ownership. Oh well.

    

        AFC West 

    I think this is low-key my favorite division in football this year. Interesting how competitive the West and North divisions are and how disorganized the South and East divisions are - in both conferences. I wonder if it's geographical.

    Oh. Except the Raiders. I hope they don't win a game.

Los Angeles Chargers (12 - 5)

    The Chargers were a fun team last year, they'll be a fun team this year. People are making a big deal about Herbert, but you could see the change coming when he chopped off his hair.

    You don't chop off your silly foppish hair because you're trying to be funny. You do it because you're ready to focus on things that matter. Herbert did that. I hope he can keep that focus and that this coaching staff finally remember to manage the clock.

    This is a Playoff team, but they fall short of the Championship.

Kansas City Chiefs (15-2)

    If we as a people are actually going to care about racial epithets in our sports, why aren't we upset at the Kansas City football team? Because they're winning?

    I'm projecting two losses because I think the AFC is more competitive than the NFC. And I think the division has losses in it for the Chiefs, the same as it did last year. I do think this is your AFC Championship team.

Denver Broncos (10 - 7)

    I'm sorry, Brandon Perna, but your Broncos aren't going to be any good this year. They aren't going to be bad - a team that wants to focus on keeping the other team from scoring more than 20 points while not managing to score more than 23 itself is rarely good, regardless of the QB. And Teddy B isn't Ryan Tannehill-lite anymore.

    I actually think I'm being generous with this record.

Las Vegas Raiders (9 - 8)

    I'm not the only person that thinks this is the season that makes or breaks Mike Mayock's tenure with the Raiders. 

    Can he go back to his TV job after flaming out with an actual football team? I'm still not convinced this was ever a smart career move, to say nothing of wise.

    Derek Carr cries on the field, again. This is his last season as a starter in the league.

        AFC North

    Legitimately, what is there to say about this division that hasn't been said by every pundit this offseason? The AFC North is always quality football (when they play one another, at any rate). And this year the Browns are gonna be good.

Pittsburgh Steelers (10 - 7)

    Mike Tomlin is too good a coach to let an aging Ben Roethlisberger lose more than 7 games. This team is more question marks than exclamation points.

    They need a rebuilding year. Does Tomlin have that kind of cache in the organization?

Cleveland Browns (14 - 3)

    I'm going bullish on the Browns to have some fun. So many of my family and football acquaintances are Browns fans. So many of the great strangers I've met in retail and customer service over the years have been Browns fans. John Caparulo is a Browns fan. They're so angry at the world, and all they want is to see their Brownies win. Well, let's have them win a whole bunch. 

    The whole thing, for that matter.

    I would love to see a Browns Super Bowl this season.

Baltimore Ravens (9 - 8)

    I am so over this team. I've been over this team longer, it seems, even than the Patriots. Maybe it was Ray Lewis. Maybe it's just John Harbaugh. I don't know. The whole 20-straight preseason wins thing... Lamar Jackson... ugh.

    This team can gag me with a spoon.

Cincinnati Bengals (1 - 16)

    Someone tell me, because I can't figure how: does this team win a game this season? Seriously.

    The only reports I'm hearing about this team are that Burrow is broken and Chase can't catch.

Womp womp. 

    

        AFC East

    Did I save the best for last? No. Hah.

New England Patriots (10 - 7)

    I am concerned with the Patriots this season like I have not been, well, ever. The Patriots have dominated the division for 20 years. It's not like there's been a season during the course of my adult life where I've legitimately made the argument Billy B wouldn't somehow own the division.

    Last year was a fluke, and you can tell Billy B is going to make sure the history books know it. Watch out.

Buffalo Bills (14 - 3)

    I don't know this team's schedule, but I'm counting on them splitting with Miami and New England to justify their record being worse than Kansas City, Green, and Tampa Bays (by so much). And crossing my fingers that Josh Allen regresses to the mean.

But, by golly, I also hope he doesn't. Josh Allen throwing heat-seeking lasers all over the field is exactly what the NFL - and the AFC Championship - need.

New York Jets (4 - 13)

    This team makes a noticeable step forward only in that everyone on the roster isn't clamoring to get off it anymore after the season. Saleh does about as good a job as Todd Bowles did, when his two-season tenure is over.

Zach Miller, though - he's fun. Maybe he'll stick around more than a season or two.

Miami Dolphins (12 - 5)

    And because I'm me, I'm going to make the same prediction I make every season - the same prediction I've made every season since 2009:

    Miami either go 12+ wins in an out-of-nowhere slash-and-burn of the NFL... or they barely scrape together 8 and everything the fans have hyped so high comes crashing to the ground for another half-decade of pessimism and annoying me, personally.

    I think they make it to the Dance and lose in the Wildcard. Tua looks good, ready to make a Year 3 leap.