Week 1 Primer and Predix

 

Alright. Settin up pins and knockin em down. What's next? Damn, it's Saturday. You know what that means!

Well, it means NFL Week 1 is officially upon us. And that I should probably do a write-up about the games if I want to be taken seriously at this. And you will respect me... one day... I know it.

So let's get it did.

Week 1

(In no real order besides time slot)

Jacksonville Jaguars vs Houston Texans 23 - 19

Oh, boy. There are two of this game. May as well get one of them over, Week 1. At least one of these teams won't go winless?

Uh, let's predict a shitshow. Jacksonville wins on the back of Trevor Lawrence doing some fun things. Tyrod Taylor isn't a disaster, but the rest of the roster is. 23 – 19.

Los Angeles Chargers vs Washington Football Team 38 - 31

This is gonna be a good one. You've got two gunslingers. You've got two good defenses with talented young pass rushers. You've got two teams with terrible names!

This one probably pushes the thirties, because both QBs are going to find their opportunities deep. But there will be a combined six field goal attempts. Chargers win after a late-game pick by Fitzpatrick that has talking heads going into Week 2 questioning his viability as a starter for the season. 38 – 31.

Seattle Seahawks vs Indianapolis Colts 35 - 13

This has a chance to be a sneaky-bad game. But Russ has big performances in the first half of the season. Can Indy keep them under 500 yards of passing offense? Can the Seahawks find any consistency on the ground? Will they try?

I know that Carson Wentz and Quentin Nelson are going to be g2g for Sunday, but I don't know. I don't have a good feeling about this Colts offense. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm expecting a lopsided game. Let's give the Seahawks 35 and the Colts 13.

New York Jets vs Carolina Panthers 13 - 23

Hm! Drama! You'll hear about the Sam Darnold Revenge Game elsewhere, thank you. The Jets are a good sort of measurement of where Sam is at, developmentally. They are a bad team with a bad roster and a defensive coach who will scheme his players up. Darnold will see competition, but nothing like he might against, say, the Rams.

Zach Wilson, on the other hand... I guess he gets the benefits of the same from the Panthers, huh? This is a pretty evenly matched game. Is Christian McCafferey healthy? Eh. I haven't had a team on the right lose yet, and I am biased against the Jets.... Panthers, 23 – 13.

Minnesota Vikings vs Cincinnati Bengals 27 - 28

Why do these feel like the same team to me?

The Vikings looks like they have since they brought in Cousins: sometimes they look good, sometimes they don't – on both sides of the ball.

What is there to really say about the Bengals? I think Burrow is in trouble and his coach is overwhelmed. Oh, what the Hell. Bengals win, 28 – 27.

Arizona Cardinals vs Tennessee Titans 19 - 35

This might be a sneaky-good game. I'm interested to see the Arthur Smith-less Titans. Is Tannehill more in control of the offense? Is it a different offense? How do they spread the ball around, and most importantly, do they make good on getting Derrick Henry fewer touches through the regular season?

Do the Cardinals have a defense, and is Cliff Kingsbury a coach who deserves to stay at the professional level? These questions and more – to be answered by someone else, some other time.

Titans choke the Cardinals offense to death. Julio Jones > AJ Green. Kyler Murray flashes, but there's no Hail Murray this week. 35 – 19.

San Francisco 49ers vs Detroit Lions 40 - 37

Uh oh. I've gotten on a run of the team on the right winning.

Well, that changes here.

What is there to say about this game? Am I going to predict that Trey Lance plays? I think we'll see something like we saw in the preseason. And the Lions are the Lions.

Okay, here's a storyline for you: is the 49ers defense affected by the defection of Robert Salah to the Jets? Let's say that, for one week, at least, it does, and that this game is gonna be a fun one.

49ers win with a last second field goal, 40 - 37

Pittsburgh Steelers vs Buffalo Bills 13 - 42

This is the one, right? This is the one that gets your blood pumpin. Mine, anyway. I want to watch these Bills steamroll this Steelers team. I want it for all the Bills fans out there that think their team isn't being taken seriously enough as a contender. I want it for all the Browns fans out there that are just so done with Big Ben and Mike Tomlin. And really I just want it because few teams win big and look as bad – and are as much fun to listen to people talk about the next week – than the Steelers.

Maybe the Seahawks. But they're gonna win in a flashy way.

Bills arrive home to some nonsense from their fans after walking to a victory. 42 – 13.

Philadelphia Eagles vs Atlanta Falcons 34 - 37

I do enjoy the novelty of these two teams playing one another. Bird noises!

As far as the game goes? Bleh.

I do want to see Kyle Pitts play for real, though.

How about this – instead of what I really think, let's do pie in the sky. It's Week 1! The Eagles come out of the game on fire. Jalen Hurts takes them not to back to back, but four consecutive touchdown drives, answering each of Matty Ice's four touchdowns in the first half. Then the defenses settle in and we see five field goals made, the last to close out the night as the home team sighs and the away team leave to cry in their hotels.

*goes to look which is which*

It's a good day to be a Falcons' fan. 37 - 34

Cleveland Browns vs Kansas City Chiefs 46 - 44

I keep forgetting about this game. I wrote down all of the games and was like, “Oh, yeah.” And then I see it again, now, and I'm like, “Oh yeah!”

That Playoff game last year was amazing.

I don't even want to predict this one.

Hm..

Fuck it. Cleveland wins. The running game works. They figure out how to maximize their turnovers. High-scoring game, though. Maybe something like 46 – 44.

Green Bay Packers vs New Orleans Saints 38 - 29

Sometimes you just have to set the next NFL MVP up with a tee-off, you know? Actually, I don't know. Because I was thinking tee-ball when I wrote that, but I actually think that's a golf thing.

Whatever. The Packers pummel this pathetic Saints team. Sean Payton plays every quarterback on the roster – even a practice squad wide receiver – but ain't nobody keeping up with Aaron Rodgers in a boat race. This one's an easy 38 – 29. Score ends up deceptive.

Denver Broncos vs New York Giants 16 - 13

Another boring game, I'm expecting. Teddy B! Danny D. Oh jeez.

Somebody has to win, and I think the Giants are going to be just inept on offense to let the Broncos pull it out.

This one's an ugly 16 – 13.

Miami Dolphins vs New England Patriots 23 - 16

If you've been waiting for me to get to this game, or think I put it this late one purpose, you are probably not right. At least, wrong in the latter case.

I'm going to bum a lot of my fellow Dolphins fans out and say I think Miami loses this one. Billy B doesn't lose in New England. Not against Miami. Not on Week 1.

Now... Actually, you know what, fuck it. I'm changing my mind. I've been saying for months that Cam Newton wins Week one. But Cam isn't playing, is he? Mac is. And Miami managed to force turnovers of Brady every year in New England, and Flores has shown a penchant for getting turnovers against elite offenses. Mac isn't elite yet.

Maybe Miami can pull this one out. Maybe.

Tua is going to have to look good, though. Because it doesn't matter who is playing in Billy B's secondary – they're going to be ready. There's not going to be any Let's pick on so-and-so.

Bill and Bryan both want the score low. They want to slug this one out in the trenches. Let's go... Miami wins 23 – 16.

Chicago Bears vs Los Angeles Rams 20 - 31

I'm starting to run out of stamina to write up these games, and this is the game they give us at 20:20 est? What the Hell.

Stafford beats up the Bears. Has for years. Does that mean he wins? Who knows. It's early in the season, and although my score predictions are overall lower than I thought they'd be, Weeks 1 – 4 seem to have fairly high-scoring games overall. Which is interesting, following the adage that defense gets ready faster than the offense.

But I digress! Maybe I can talk about that more in another piece.

Matt Nagy plays for field goals and the Rams run up the score early. Bears never catch up. Let's go... 31 – 20.

Baltimore Ravens vs Las Vegas Raiders

This is our Monday night, huh? Man. If it weren't Week 1, I'd be skipping this one. I'll catch the highlights or figure out how to get Game Pass. As it is...

I don't know. Do the Ravens have a healthy running back? Is Derek Carr a professional quarterback? I don't have answers, and I hate this game. But they'll manage to score points, because Lamar Jackson does nothing if he doesn't score points when they matter in the regular season.

So... Raiders win (because the home team usually wins coin-flips). 19 – 16.