Week 5 TNF Recap - Is Russ Cooked? Geno for MVP? Hyperbole?

 

What an amazing game of football we were treated to last night. Can the NFC West just play every Thursday? Even their stinkers are better than anything the AFC South has put together in decades.

Ahem.

(That's not fair. The Colts had Manning. And... *crickets*)

Whether you're like me and you just love watching football, or you're like my girlfriend and you watch it because someone around you insists that it's the most important thing happening in the world right now, you know that was an excellent game. It's the only one this season she's watched all the way through to the final seconds of the fourth. Take that for what it is.

My favorite part, and I know I'm jumping way ahead if you didn't watch any of it last night, was when she got off the couch after Geno Smith went to the bench for the field goal attempt that would leave them down only 9 with round about 5 minutes left in the game and was asking the TV why Smith hadn't been playing all night. Forgetting that this is her first season of football, I'm like, “I mean, Russell Wilson has won a Super Bowl.”

And she's all, “I don't care. He's sucked tonight. Couldn't move the ball. Then Smith comes out here and it looks easy.”

And she really wasn't wrong. Those three Geno Smith drives were the best the offense had looked all night – until the pick. But Smith's pick, like Stafford's pick, wasn't exactly the quarterback's fault. When your receiver flops and you don't get the flag because the flop is so flagrant and you're rolling right and throwing to a part of the field you can't actually see....

We've all seen what happened by now.

My favorite part of the game didn't actually have anything to do with the game. So we'll come back to that after the game.

My favorite part of the game was the double-punt. I think everyone fell in love with special teams for a minute there. I can't believe I haven't seen Pat McAffee losing his mind over it already. Clearly he's saving something big for his show. Probably going to break down how he wasn't beyond the line of scrimmage in fact, not just in fun. Because at the time we all thought the LOS was the 20, and he's clearly past that. So we thought New York pulled the penalty flag because the play was just too awesome to be a penalty.

Turns out it was both the best football play we've seen all season, and legal. The LOS was the 21. Which kind of makes Michael Dickson a hero in that moment – cus he was the goat earlier in the game for a bad punt.

While we're talking about kicking balls – what the fuck was going on with the kickers in Seattle last night? Seriously.

There were three out of bounds kickoffs, I feel like three missed field goals, and a missed extra point.

And it wasn't just the Rams' kicker having a rough day. Seattle's could keep the ball between inside the sidelines on kickoff, at least. That was seriously the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.

Kicking has been weird this year.

And left. He was pulling everything left. Was the wind just bonkers insane?

Let's not talk about the kicking game anymore. All I have to off in contribution to the conversation is questions that are probably obvious to everyone but me.

Matt Stafford has started all of these games a little scattershot. But I felt like the Rams' opening drive was one of their best all season. Efficient. Then the pick. Whoops. Glad I didn't tweet out that this was what the rest of the night was going to look like. Because while Seattle's defense eventually got right, their offense stayed out of rhythm and looking ugly until Russ's injury.

Which was naaassttttyyyy.

Maybe it's just me. I deal with a lot of body horror, and I'm not sure why. So my hand hurt all night after seeing his ring finger no longer attached like that. But didn't he end up with the soft cast on his middle? Man, his whole hand might be fucked up after Aaron Donald chose the exact wrong moment to go for a high-five.

Bro – it's the middle of the play.

These games I watch with my girlfriend – it's interesting for me to watch the game from her perspective.

Because Geno actually did have a better night. He was throwing in-rhythm, at the top of his drops or one step later after evading the rush. Even the way he escaped the pocket was exactly the way the quarterback position is taught. It all looked so smooth and effortless, I really thought they were going to drive the field and make Los Angeles sweat at the end.

Geno looked exceptionally well-coached; and it really made the flaws in Wilson's game all the more apparent to me.

So let's talk about my other favorite part of this game – the part that had absolutely nothing to do with the game or the teams competing and everything to do with the new story swirling around Miami after last night's pregame rumor roulette with everybody's weird-bodied uncle who desperately either needs to grow a beard or shave clean, his goatee makes him look like someone drew on his face while he was passed out at a frat party he should know better than to try to still be going to: Joe Glazer.

Apparently his saying that Russel Wilson is going to be looking for a new team this offseason too has Dolphins owner and Billionaire Idiot thinking the solution is going and getting Russ.

If the solution were getting Russ, you could have drafted him instead of Tannehill.

Don't go after other people's prospects after they've developed and turned sour on their team. Has it literally ever worked in the NFL? The argument is probably LeBron, but is he soured on the Cleveland team, or did he want to win Championships and chase celebrity after effectively a full career spent in Cleveland? Doesn't he know that it's almost always better to hire and develop your own rather than to try to retrain an old dog? Damn. It's a mantra in the corporate world.

You want Tua – but you don't want Tua. So you go out and get the guy who's basically the same size but plays the game the complete opposite way. Instead of having a guy who takes care of the ball and uses his plus-athleticism to stay in the pocket and carve defenses apart – no, we want Russell Wilson, now. The guy whose only sustainable offense for a damn decade has been big plays after the pocket has broken down.

I have a problem with this, if it's not apparent. And, yes, it makes me emotional.

And the rumors that suddenly Ross wants Aaron Rodgers!

Why the fuck didn't he want Aaron when he was actually available? When I was screaming about it on Twitter this summer?

What the fuck?

Because these rumors are full of shit, that's why. Because professional Dolphins fans and employees of the Miami media outlets (I struggle to identify the “writers” in Florida as writers. There are way too many spelling and grammar errors, and just too little which represents reality for them to be called writers – of Non-fiction, anyway; maybe fiction writers; maybe writers of fire in crowded buildings. I'd call them that) – they're all full of shit, too.

Omar Kelly suddenly selling us the line that Aaron Rodgers is coming to Florida when he could have been selling that line all summer and didn't. Man, I get it that you have a livelihood to maintain. Believe me, I am waiting for that day someone's like, “Hey, man, this article is worth a dollar of my time. What's your PayPal?” But selling my integrity for a regular paycheck and a mortgage and barbershop visits (again, looking at you, Omar) is just not worth it to me. I will die in obscurity before I lie either in print or on television to generate ad revenue for a billionaire.

And, yes – I do think I can judge them and that it is fair that I hold them in contempt – and that I share that contempt with them. It does the body good. (Not really. Don't hold anyone in contempt. It corrupts the soul.)

But, seriously – if we're going to react to the Seahawks and their current roster construction, it would make more sense to lobby for Geno Smith than Russel Wilson – to me – based off last night's game film.

At least Smith goes through progressions. At least he reads the field. Russ doesn't seem to understand that you throw the ball to your best receivers and allow them to move the chains. Like, DK Metcalf is a ghost in the offense Russ is cooking; then you put Smith out there and suddenly he's a chain-moving Number One and it looks like scoring should have been so much easier for the last 40 minutes or so of regulation.

That's on your QB. And these are the very metrics that talking heads are going to use on Monday to explain why Sam Darnold is better than Baker Mayfield, for instance – seriously, listen to what people say about one quarterback versus another, then listen to what they say about Russel Wilson. I have personally been butthurt about it for like 10 seasons. Russ and Tannehill were drafted in the same class, and I've never understood how Tannehill isn't considered the better quarterback. Success irrespective.

Genuinely the only difference is that Tannehill eats sacks and Russ runs around in the backfield until Tyler Lockett comes open and makes a magical play. That's not offense. And Seattle's defense isn't elite anymore. Which makes Russ and his sub-200 yard performances eyebrow raising.

He wanted Lynch out of town so he could lead an offense like a Franchise Quarterback, and frankly since then it's been a disaster. The same disaster that saw Colin Kaepernick and Robert Griffin III kicked out of the League. The only difference has been Pete Carroll's insistence on standing with his quarterback – no matter how hard Russ shits on him.

Like – we give Pete Carroll a lot of weird looks anymore. How has this guy remained employed so long, you'll hear guys like Cowherd ask. I'll tell you – because even if he loses his locker room every five years from repeating the message so often the aging vets can't take it anymore, he's a genuinely great coach. One of those once-in-a-generation guys your team will get and will stick with if it knows what's good for it. A Shula. A Jimmy Johnson. A Bill Parsells. A Bill Belichick. That's what the Seahawks have got.

I didn't mean to only pick coaches who were attached to Miami. But I did.

They just also desperately need a rebuilding year. Which you don't really get with winning QBs. For all the shit I'm willing to give him, Russ is that, at least.

The Rams are only one game back of the Cardinals, now. There are more losses to be passed around the division. I'm not worried about the Cards going undefeated – but if the Rams want to get Stafford that coveted divisional crown, they're going to have to get the passing game figured out in the first half.

It looks like Stafford has found a new favorite target, too. Maybe I'm being too critical. Maybe teams are taking Kupp away on purpose. But what I saw last night (and, seriously, if you like how I'm talking about these things, imagine if I could also cut up film for you. Because I would – if I could afford Game Pass.) was a Kupp who wasn't getting his head turned around soon enough.

It looked to me like Coop's inner clock is still running on Jared Goff Time. But Stafford's runs about a second, maybe a second and a half faster. There were three or four times last night that Stafford targeted Kupp on hot routes and Kupp didn't locate the ball until it was already on him. That's no on either of them, so much as it is “miscommunication.” That said, Kupp's got to get his head around two seconds earlier.

Gotta speed up that clock, big boy.

Actually, while I'm talking about Kupp – maybe I'm overreacting, but has he got a head injury? He looked confused on a couple drives, like he didn't know he was supposed to be on the field. I hope I'm just overreacting to my own head injury experiences.

Los Angeles' runner, #27 – Darrell Henderson – he looks like he's making the most of this opportunity. He doesn't have long speed, but he's definitely a hammer with the ball. And he's fun to watch scamper, when he gets a long open lane.

I've decided it – I like this Rams team.

What did I miss about this game?

These teams felt completely evenly matched throughout. Like no matter how wide Los Angeles were able to grow the lead the Seahawks were going to find a way back. And they almost did. That was great. I wonder if Geno gets looks come the trade deadline or next year.

He's not actually a starting quarterback. Do I need to say that out loud? I think the people who are making a stink about Miami going after either Aaron Rodgers or Russel Wilson are doing just that – making a stink.

Do you remember how when we were kids we used to say, “He who smelt it dealt it?”

Yeah. When you see professional sports fans making a fuss about a fart they're smelling – it's because they are the ones who farted. Am I saying that Joe Glazer farted on live television last night?

Yes. Yes, I am saying that Joe Glazer laid a very wet, very loud fart on television last night.

Russ has the input on his offense he's always wanted – if you were listening to the Amazon broadcast with Andrea Kramer and Hannah Storm, you heard them talk about it on multiple occasions. I actually think the last time was right before or after Russ hurt his finger. That's how I remember it anyway. I'm not tryna say they jynxed him.

(12s— Come here. (They totally jynxed you.))

The Amazon broadcast team were actually really enjoyable. My gf hates Joe Buck, for whatever reason, so I checked them out for the first time. It was really cool to me how Kay Adams was leading the NFL Network pregame show, and how she explicity told viewers how to hear Kramer and Storm. I thought that was excellent teamwork. And they were really very good.

I feel like Andrea Kramer's voice has been in my life for – well, all of it. She's literally been breaking that gender barrier for women in men's sports my whole life. Since before I was born – 1982. Fuckin awesome. I feel like hers is the voice of the sideline, telling me my team is going to get everything right going into and coming out of half. I'm looking forward to listening to them in the future. But, really, I feel like hers is the voice every sideline reporter has been mimicking for the last 20 years. I like how they call the plays in replay – since they don't get to manipulate what they're seeing like the boys do.

It's very stripped back. They aren't telling a bunch of personal anecdotes. They tell a few stories about the players. But mostly they were describing what they saw on the field. Every time I felt my gf needed context for what she was seeing, Kramer and Storm were literal seconds behind. And it would have been rude to talk over them.

I feel like that's it for today.

Joe Glazer and Adam Schefter can get out of my life forever.

(Did you see when Aaron Rodgers came after Schefter's lack of athleticism? Called him a no-ass. Thought that was funny.)

But you should come back. I enjoy talking at you. I'll do it again soon. Maybe even later today, depending on how the afternoon shapes up. Thank you, by the way. I feel like it's been a while since I said that – too long. So long!